June 19th

June 19th

June the 19th this year, probably the 18th last year and most likely the 20th next year.  I don’t care what day it is, I know that I will be hiding in the house.

There are lots of people out there like me.  We are grieving for our lost loved ones, and always will be.  This year June the 19th is father’s day and, without my hero here to spoil, I will yet again be grieving over my loss.

It never ever gets any easier for people like us.  There is always some reminder of that massive part of our lives that is missing.  Special days like the 19th June, birthdays, Christmas and those special occasions that may or may not happen in our future.  I will always grieve for not being able to share days, moments and mile stones with him.

I can’t tell you when I lost my father because I can’t remember.  I believe that is one of my coping mechanisms – simply to stop thinking.  However what I can tell you is that it is probably more than five years, but less than ten years.

His death was sudden and unexpected; the shock still chokes me now.  At the beginning the main concern was my mother and brother, and somewhere along the way I forgot to look after myself.  Then by the time I realised the overwhelming power of my grief, the only concern people ever expressed towards me, was in the form of the question:  ‘How is your mother?   I got used to it.  I got used to what I still feel is a total lack of concern to my well being.  I will always grieve.  Some days my grief is so dark it consumes me.  No one knows this because no one ever asks.  Like I said, I am used to it.

However, when you find yourself alone on most fathers’ day since you lost your dad, things don’t get so easy, and the grief can take over.

It is just another day – sure.  But it is a day when Facebook is not even a place you can escape and watch funny cat videos.  Your time line is filled with photos of happy family scenes that break your heart.  So you avoid that.

Restaurants are full of generations of families enjoying their precious moments together, bouncing great grandchildren on their knees.  I would absolutely do anything to have such a beautiful scene to call my own.  But it is not possible, so I avoid that.

I can’t even walk my dog, without bumping into ‘father of the year’.

Everybody has a unique way of dealing with their grief – mine is not likely to be the same as yours.  But that is ok.  I have accepted that I am not allowed to be selfish with my grief.  However, on June the 19th, where the reminders of my loss will be drowning me, I will be selfish.  I shall wallow in bed until the late morning, and eat my lunch in my pjs while I cry on and off throughout the day, in the safety of my own home, away from judgemental eyes.  You know what?  That’s also ok.

It is also ok to reach out to people like me.  If you have friends like me, who you know will feel like that they have to lock themselves away – reach out to them.  It is ok to send a text saying I’m thinking of you, some emojis or a rude joke.  It doesn’t matter, just having you thinking of them will lift their spirits. Trust me.

I do not begrudge anyone their special day.  I only wish I had realised just how very precious days like the 19th of June were.  I believe that life can be unfair, that it is short, and that it is extremely precious.  It is with this in mind, that I wish you the most beautiful 19th June with your loved ones.  Love and cherish them, make memories and spend quality time together.

Laura xx


Beloved and the dog house

Beloved and the dog house

My beloved is in the dog house because he ‘spoke to me like shit.’

Excuse the French!

I think when you live together little things wind you up and then you explode! Take for example this his and hers morning routine that I live  through every day!!!

  • 6:30am ME: get up. Shower and clean shower. Hang up towels nicely. Replace toothbrush  in pot after use. Go downstairs, sort out pets, put away dry dishes, wash beloved’s dishes that he used after I went to bed. Finally eat breakfast.
  • 7am. Beloved:  get up- don’t make the bed because I will be getting back into it later any how. Scratch bum. Fart. Use shower and test out girly shampoo because it smells of strawberries. Get out shower, slosh water every where. Clean teeth, leave tooth brush dripping mouth juice all over the glass shelf- I like the way it dries in big white patterns. Shave and leave as much foam around the sink and on the mirror as possible.  Throw towels on the floor, leave pants next to the washing basket on the floor. Get dressed- just pull shirts until they come off the hanger as its too much effort to take the hanger out of the wardrobe and then remove the shirt. Go downstairs, wind the dog up, put shoes on and leave the house.

  • 7:30am ME: finish putting my face on and go upstairs to face the aftermath of beloved’s morning routine. Go into ensuite and turn off the taps that have been left running. (I kid you not, every bloody day.) Pick up towels and hang nicely on rail. Put toothbrush back in pot and wipe up mouth juice. Pick up man pants and put in the basket. Flush the man poo away that has been left as a nice surprise for me. (I would much rather some Tiffany please, ta.) De foam sink and mirror, make bed and open up the window to let the man fart out.

It is no wonder that by yesterday morning I flipped my lid because he answered me back like a toddler!

Any way he seems to have got the message loud and clear that the above, is not acceptable.

Last night I had a lovely dinner cooked for me. Today I had a packed lunch made for me and also my dinner. He is currently making my dinners for the next few days as he is going away.

As much as arguing is draining and emotional, it is worth it for the above results!!

Stay strong.

Laura xx

Day 2

Day 2

So planning and preparing worked well today!
For breakfast I had scrambled eggs made with water and simply seasoned- delicious! If I wasn’t behaving and being gluten free, I would have added a round of toast with butter on. To be honest- I didn’t even miss the toast! Also, I felt more awake than I had done for a long time in the morning. Am I seeing results after 24 hours or is it all in the mind?!

I have been at the office all day where I would usually have at least five cups of coffee. Today, I had herbal tea and water which was ok but I definitely missed the coffee! I’m not keen on milk substitutes so would rather drink it black.

Lunch was the salad I prepared last night- lovely even if I do say so myself! I work away an awful lot so when I am home I make the effort to make myself a healthy lunch.

After work I popped to tesco and checked out their free from range. There was lots of products on offer so I think I have enough to be getting on with!

For tea I had the gluten free cinnamon bagels with lactose free spread- so good!

Tomorrow I know is going to be hard. I have a conference at work and my food was pre ordered a month ago- not gluten or dairy free! However it is only one meal I will struggle with the rest I have planned – especially the buffet breakfast! Easy!

Did any one make gluten free pancakes today?