June 19th

June 19th

June the 19th this year, probably the 18th last year and most likely the 20th next year.  I don’t care what day it is, I know that I will be hiding in the house.

There are lots of people out there like me.  We are grieving for our lost loved ones, and always will be.  This year June the 19th is father’s day and, without my hero here to spoil, I will yet again be grieving over my loss.

It never ever gets any easier for people like us.  There is always some reminder of that massive part of our lives that is missing.  Special days like the 19th June, birthdays, Christmas and those special occasions that may or may not happen in our future.  I will always grieve for not being able to share days, moments and mile stones with him.

I can’t tell you when I lost my father because I can’t remember.  I believe that is one of my coping mechanisms – simply to stop thinking.  However what I can tell you is that it is probably more than five years, but less than ten years.

His death was sudden and unexpected; the shock still chokes me now.  At the beginning the main concern was my mother and brother, and somewhere along the way I forgot to look after myself.  Then by the time I realised the overwhelming power of my grief, the only concern people ever expressed towards me, was in the form of the question:  ‘How is your mother?   I got used to it.  I got used to what I still feel is a total lack of concern to my well being.  I will always grieve.  Some days my grief is so dark it consumes me.  No one knows this because no one ever asks.  Like I said, I am used to it.

However, when you find yourself alone on most fathers’ day since you lost your dad, things don’t get so easy, and the grief can take over.

It is just another day – sure.  But it is a day when Facebook is not even a place you can escape and watch funny cat videos.  Your time line is filled with photos of happy family scenes that break your heart.  So you avoid that.

Restaurants are full of generations of families enjoying their precious moments together, bouncing great grandchildren on their knees.  I would absolutely do anything to have such a beautiful scene to call my own.  But it is not possible, so I avoid that.

I can’t even walk my dog, without bumping into ‘father of the year’.

Everybody has a unique way of dealing with their grief – mine is not likely to be the same as yours.  But that is ok.  I have accepted that I am not allowed to be selfish with my grief.  However, on June the 19th, where the reminders of my loss will be drowning me, I will be selfish.  I shall wallow in bed until the late morning, and eat my lunch in my pjs while I cry on and off throughout the day, in the safety of my own home, away from judgemental eyes.  You know what?  That’s also ok.

It is also ok to reach out to people like me.  If you have friends like me, who you know will feel like that they have to lock themselves away – reach out to them.  It is ok to send a text saying I’m thinking of you, some emojis or a rude joke.  It doesn’t matter, just having you thinking of them will lift their spirits. Trust me.

I do not begrudge anyone their special day.  I only wish I had realised just how very precious days like the 19th of June were.  I believe that life can be unfair, that it is short, and that it is extremely precious.  It is with this in mind, that I wish you the most beautiful 19th June with your loved ones.  Love and cherish them, make memories and spend quality time together.

Laura xx

 

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Dealing with grief – my experience 

Dealing with grief – my experience 

grief is such a difficult and personal thing. 

No two people will ever have the same experience and I think it would be wrong to assume so.

I lost my beloved father a while back. Due to the fact that my life was a blur for a few years after he was suddenly snatched from me, I can’t even tell you how long I have been with out him. I think it’s about five years.

I will never ever get over it, and if one more person tells me time is a healer, I shall pick up the nearest chair and smack them in the chops.

Recently some one in work lost their dad and their reaction was so different to mine, completely different. It made me think.

I took two weeks off work when my dad passed away, and went back to it after that and didn’t want any one to acknowledge me. I over heard a few people commenting on my drastic weight loss and all I thought was ‘well, at least something good has come out of this. I lost some weight.’ 

What a way to deal with things!

As the years have gone on, it has been harder and harder for me. I watch my friends get married, have kids and adoring grandparents.

I listen to how they moan about their parents coming over to do DIY.

I listen to them talk about all the things they get to do together with their dad, with totally green eyes, I am ashamed to admit.

As it is coming up to Father’s Day, I start to lock myself away to avoid all the happy families out and about celebrating their full and happy lives, with their complete families.

Then I stop myself. I have no idea what their lives are like. I have no idea of their happiness or perhaps their misery. I just assume that because their family unit looks complete that they have a perfect life.

This is what my grief is. 

My grief is locked up and only rears itself up in private or during an argument. It makes me feel even more sorry for myself on a bad day.

However, most of the time I want to make my dad proud.

I don’t want to waste a single day, which is why I am constantly busy.

I think about it all the time, and I love it when a memory becomes unlocked and I get to reminisce over the good times I was lucky enough to have with him.

What I am trying to say is grief is very personal. I want to deal with mine by myself. Other people may not.

Just because I don’t cry in front of you doesn’t mean I’m not hurting.

Just because some one breaks down at work because it’s still too raw does not mean they are weak.

For me, I love it when people remember something about my dad and tell me about it. It makes me realise he touched so many people.

I don’t want people to ignore the fact that he was here and now he’s not. I want to celebrate him.

I also don’t want to hear a cliché, however others might find this comforting.

When you are dealing with some one who is grieving, you may find it hard to say the right thing. 

Cry with them, soothe them, comfort them. But don’t tell them how they should be feeling. 

Sometimes it’s best to say nothing at all.

Just being there, making a cuppa and watching shit TV in pjs together, is comfort enough. 

Actions speak louder than words.

So this Father’s Day, why not take a minute and drop a text to a friend who may find this day difficult.

Sometimes just getting a little 💗 text is so precious, because some one has taken a second of their day to let them know that they are thinking about you.

Look after each other 

Laura xxxxxxx