Hard times 

Hard times 

Doesn’t it seem some times that your work life takes over the rest of your life? 

Work has been hard lately and it has taken it out of me a little.

I have been spending lots of time taking care, or trying too, of other people and not really looking out for myself.

Something clicked with me today and I realised how much I had been missing the things I enjoy doing. Like blogging and interacting with other bloggers for example.

I spent some time with friends and family this weekend, and after a lovely walk at barrybados, my head became a little clearer.


We don’t have children, so this little lady is the centre of my universe. I realised how much I love to see her enjoy herself, and how much I’d missed her the last few weeks. I’ve been with her in body but my spirit has been elsewhere. 

I’ve started reorganising my life, de cluttering the house, and getting back to my organised self! 

Life is short and I have so many things to look forward too so time to work hard and achieve my goals!

Next week I have a River Island style session which I won through a lovely blog written by the gorgeous Naomi. Here’s the link: http://www.diamondsnpearls.co.uk/category/life/

So much to look forward too! Back in the game!! 

Stay focussed

Laura xx

Advertisements
She called me fat!!

She called me fat!!

So this week I experienced road rage- from the passenger of a car that nearly hit me.

I live in a dead end street, we all use the dead end to turn around and there is a children’s play ground there. Everyone knows to slow down.

A young girl came bombing up the road as I was turning and didn’t see me. We both had our windows open and she apologised. ‘No worries’ I said, ‘take it easy’.

The older lady passenger started screaming at me. I assume she was the mother of the young driver. Also, I assume she was the mother of the children in the back seat.

‘Fu*k off you fat slag! Go f*ck yourself you fat bitch’.

It went on and on. The only thing I could say is ‘what’s wrong with you?’ And then I drove off. 

My first feeling was fright. I’ve never been screamed at like that. Considering what had happened I thought I was calm about the fact she nearly smashed up the car I’ve had for only two weeks.

My second feeling was anger. Not only for the insults but also for the example she was setting her family.

Is it ok to insult a person’s appearance? Is it ok to not admit mistakes? Is it ok to do this in front of your children? Is this how to lead by example?

No. No. No. No.

This is not ok.

I’m dealing with my weight and trying my best. I’ve lost nearly two stone and was so proud of myself. Well I was, until that moment.

I wanted to run away and grab some cake. I felt like no matter what I did, there would always be some one to tell me I wasn’t good enough.

I was too frightened to go back to the house and tell my boyfriend what had happened so I drove away and phoned him! He was furious!! He walked down to their house and took photos of their number plate while he waited for them to come out of the house. They didn’t.

I came home after a few hours. I had calmed down and now, after a few days reflection, I have decided that I don’t care what she thinks.

I have done well and I am proud of my weight loss. I’m an educated girl with a job I love that I like to think I’m good at. I have achieved lots of things in my life that I have had to go out and work for. 

That woman will not take my achievements away from me because she called me fat. 

I know nothing about her or her life.  All I know is that I feel sorry for her children, because I personally think that the example she is setting then does not set them up for a life in the community they currently live in, or the world they have yet to explore.

Stay kind.

Laura xx

June 19th

June 19th

June the 19th this year, probably the 18th last year and most likely the 20th next year.  I don’t care what day it is, I know that I will be hiding in the house.

There are lots of people out there like me.  We are grieving for our lost loved ones, and always will be.  This year June the 19th is father’s day and, without my hero here to spoil, I will yet again be grieving over my loss.

It never ever gets any easier for people like us.  There is always some reminder of that massive part of our lives that is missing.  Special days like the 19th June, birthdays, Christmas and those special occasions that may or may not happen in our future.  I will always grieve for not being able to share days, moments and mile stones with him.

I can’t tell you when I lost my father because I can’t remember.  I believe that is one of my coping mechanisms – simply to stop thinking.  However what I can tell you is that it is probably more than five years, but less than ten years.

His death was sudden and unexpected; the shock still chokes me now.  At the beginning the main concern was my mother and brother, and somewhere along the way I forgot to look after myself.  Then by the time I realised the overwhelming power of my grief, the only concern people ever expressed towards me, was in the form of the question:  ‘How is your mother?   I got used to it.  I got used to what I still feel is a total lack of concern to my well being.  I will always grieve.  Some days my grief is so dark it consumes me.  No one knows this because no one ever asks.  Like I said, I am used to it.

However, when you find yourself alone on most fathers’ day since you lost your dad, things don’t get so easy, and the grief can take over.

It is just another day – sure.  But it is a day when Facebook is not even a place you can escape and watch funny cat videos.  Your time line is filled with photos of happy family scenes that break your heart.  So you avoid that.

Restaurants are full of generations of families enjoying their precious moments together, bouncing great grandchildren on their knees.  I would absolutely do anything to have such a beautiful scene to call my own.  But it is not possible, so I avoid that.

I can’t even walk my dog, without bumping into ‘father of the year’.

Everybody has a unique way of dealing with their grief – mine is not likely to be the same as yours.  But that is ok.  I have accepted that I am not allowed to be selfish with my grief.  However, on June the 19th, where the reminders of my loss will be drowning me, I will be selfish.  I shall wallow in bed until the late morning, and eat my lunch in my pjs while I cry on and off throughout the day, in the safety of my own home, away from judgemental eyes.  You know what?  That’s also ok.

It is also ok to reach out to people like me.  If you have friends like me, who you know will feel like that they have to lock themselves away – reach out to them.  It is ok to send a text saying I’m thinking of you, some emojis or a rude joke.  It doesn’t matter, just having you thinking of them will lift their spirits. Trust me.

I do not begrudge anyone their special day.  I only wish I had realised just how very precious days like the 19th of June were.  I believe that life can be unfair, that it is short, and that it is extremely precious.  It is with this in mind, that I wish you the most beautiful 19th June with your loved ones.  Love and cherish them, make memories and spend quality time together.

Laura xx